Meaning

Shudder

Shudder

Fully or ever so slightly.
Watching you between my fingers and knowing that you can make me shudder.
Could it be that there is a symmetry between the greatest joy and the deepest pain?
You show yourself to me just the way you are and it is insufficient, not enough, unimportant.

Nothing.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters but this moment, this infinite uneasy moment where I don't hug you, where I don't think about you, where I don't care about you anymore. I tremble because there is an ice storm inside of me, because I have no more warmth, because there's no more air for me to breathe.

Tremble.
Everything trembles.
Everything trembles inside me and outside a motionless static stillness envelops me, surrounds me, penetrates me and asphyxiates me.

Everything.
I want everything to tremble.
I want everything to shudder in the same way as I do.
I want the world to startle, to break into a thousand pieces, or better in a million.

I want nothing existing after today.
I want nothing existing after you.
I want nothing to be the same again. Never again, for me or anyone else.

What do I see if I see you?
What do you see when you are standing on the edge of the precipice, at the end of the springboard and you catapult yourself into the void?
What goes through your mind?
Do you miss me in that moment?
Do you remember all that we would have been before you killed us?

Never.
Always.
Or maybe just a few times.

Thinks. Feels. Sleeps. Dreams. Lives. Beats. I breath. And it's still beating.
Is it still beating?

I cannot longer distinguish a peal, a rumble. There is an echo, yes, reminiscent, vague and imprecise memories, something similar, almost identical to what I once felt.

No longer beats.
It doesn't matter anymore.

The hunt

Night. Cold, fog. I retrace the city we once made our own, looking for clean air that doesn't have your scent. Memories scattered in every corner, pagan souvenirs of a love in ruins.

There is a touch of melancholy and longing in my eyes and floating around me. I sigh uncertainty while the last of my doubts comes rolling down my cheek. We hurt each other so much...

The streets are deserted, plagued by ghosts that don't inspire me anything. I am one of them, swarming the city, uselessly roaming the streets looking for a peace of mind that I'll never be able to find.

That's why dear shadow that today I won't attempt to flee. I got tired of escaping in vain to be always reached in some corner. Maybe l have lost all of my courage or perhaps I might be stronger than ever but here I stay. After so much hatred and war, after so many battles in every terrain possible, I accept my fate, bow my head and I offer my jugular as a symbol of my defeat. There are no white flags to raise nor a possible truce.

Only one favor: make it clean and fast because it has already hurt too much.