Shudder
Fully or ever so slightly.
Watching you between my fingers and knowing that you can make me shudder.
Could it be that there is a symmetry between the greatest joy and the deepest pain?
You show yourself to me just the way you are and it is insufficient, not enough, unimportant.
Nothing.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters but this moment, this infinite uneasy moment where I don't hug you, where I don't think about you, where I don't care about you anymore. I tremble because there is an ice storm inside of me, because I have no more warmth, because there's no more air for me to breathe.
Tremble.
Everything trembles.
Everything trembles inside me and outside a motionless static stillness envelops me, surrounds me, penetrates me and asphyxiates me.
Everything.
I want everything to tremble.
I want everything to shudder in the same way as I do.
I want the world to startle, to break into a thousand pieces, or better in a million.
I want nothing existing after today.
I want nothing existing after you.
I want nothing to be the same again. Never again, for me or anyone else.
What do I see if I see you?
What do you see when you are standing on the edge of the precipice, at the end of the springboard and you catapult yourself into the void?
What goes through your mind?
Do you miss me in that moment?
Do you remember all that we would have been before you killed us?
Never.
Always.
Or maybe just a few times.
Thinks. Feels. Sleeps. Dreams. Lives. Beats. I breath. And it's still beating.
Is it still beating?
I cannot longer distinguish a peal, a rumble. There is an echo, yes, reminiscent, vague and imprecise memories, something similar, almost identical to what I once felt.
No longer beats.
It doesn't matter anymore.
